Trump Denies Denying Climate Change

November 26, 2018

washington, d.c.

A comprehensive report issued by 13 federal agencies presents the most severe warnings to date regarding climate change for the United States. The report claims that if steps are not taken to curb emissions, the damage will have a significant impact on the size of the American economy by 2100.

The report was mandated by Congress and made public by the White House over the Thanksgiving weekend. While the 1,600 page report was excruciatingly blunt in it’s conclusions, the President’s Executive Summary relied on simplified climate models, sea level projections, and a “pop-up” version Dr. Suess’ “The Lorax”.

When asked why he waited to release the report during the holiday weekend, Trump responded, “I’ve got my hands full with that nerd on the Supreme Court, the last thing I need is a bunch of eggheads yelling at me about the weather.”

“I did not. I did not. I did not say it,” Trump said referring to this statement he made in 2012, “The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”

The report included dire projections on the coastal impact of climate change, where President Trump has several properties.

“Stilts” he replied.

“Your response to climate change is to raise your properties on stilts?”

“It is now.” He responded.

Asked to elaborate on projections for the next century, Trump replied, “The next century? That’s like, a thousand years from now.”