Tesla Announces New Model Release: EM 2.0

Palo alto, ca

Tesla executives announced they’ve finished beta testing a new model that will not be available for sale to the general public. “The EM 2.0 will be a corporate model that improves on our existing EM 1.7 version,” a press release stated.

Those familiar with the technology are almost unanimous in their praise. Chuck Siskind, VP of Engineering had this to say, “If you were on our last corporate earnings call then you had a glimpse of version 2.0 — we’ve worked out some major bugs.”

Riley Watkins, an analyst for Thompson Bros. and known Tesla bear said, “The last earnings call was very odd by Tesla standards. If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought I was listening to the call of any major blue chip company. Pretty tame really: no pot smoking, no berating of the SEC, no crypto weed references, not a single remark about pedo-anybody, nothing about submarines, sleep deprivation, cave rescues…nada. Again, very un-Tesla.”

Siskind’s reaction, “That’s music to our ears, and why we did a soft roll-out — we wanted to get an honest reaction without any PR affecting results. It’s still too early to say for sure, this model is a bit pixellated and could have some glitches we haven’t found yet. It’s a long process, but if this version proves relatively stable then we think the sky’s the limit.”