Fed Raises Rates: Powell, “Fuck it, we’re going to 13.5”

Jackson Hole, Wy

Jerome Powell, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board announced today that, “Fuck it, we’re going to 13.5% with the Federal Funds Rate.” In a move that zero people on Wall Street saw coming, the Fed also noted that, “We’re tired of this ticky-tack quarter point here, quarter point there bullshit. We decided to put up a number that would make people sit the hell up.”

The announcement came as the Fed wrapped up it’s quarterly two-day meeting in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Neel Kashkari, head of the Minneapolis branch of the Fed, and Esther George, Kansas City Fed President, gave an impromptu interview after Powell’s announcement ended the two-day meeting.

The two Fed chairs appeared a little bedraggled, with Kaskari wearing his tie around his head like a bandanna, and George sitting cross-legged while wrapped in a blanket. They looked more like they’d just attended Coachella instead of two days of high-level monetary discussions. George was sipping a mimosa and Kashkari a bloody mary.

Reporter, “How did the meetings go?”

Kashkari, “Wow. Well let me just say that things got a bit nutty last night.” Kashkari was referring to an informal gathering of the Regional Fed Chairs that started around the fire pit of The Statesman Lodge where the meetings were being held. Kashkari explained, “I think it was around midnight when shit got heated. We’d just cracked our third bottle of Pappy and Kaplan (Dallas Fed President Robert Kaplan) was going off about ‘They ain’t treatin’ us right. Ever since aught nine…no respect. Last time anybody took us seriously was the bailout.’”

George recalled, “Yes! He was the first to bring up the whole twenty percent thing.” She was referring to the astoundingly high Fed funds rate in 1980. In an attempt to reverse the inflation of the 1970’s, the Fed, under Chairman Paul Volcker, set the rate to twenty percent. George continued, “Kaplan was going on and on about Volcker, ‘He was the fucking man! Twenty fucking percent…what a fucking boss. Nobody fucked with Volcker.’ I think he has a man crush on him.”

Reporter, “What happened after that?”

Kaskari, “It was right after Kaplan’s rant that Jay disappeared. Last I heard he went to a sweat lodge, took a guided journey with a shaman, and next thing you know…bam! This 13.5 announcement.”

George, “Did we vote on it?”

Kaskari, “I vaguely recall voting on something laaate last night…like around 5am?”

After announcing the rate hike, an increase of 1,125 basis points over the current level, Powell capped off his speech with a short and somewhat cryptic pronouncement, “The lamb may lie down with the lion, but the wiley crow mates for life…consider this the next time you ignore the Fed for nine years.” At which point he pulled the microphone from it’s stand, dropped it on the floor and walked out of the meeting — leaving all in attendance completely baffled.

Thomas Kurdner, lead market analyst at JP Morgan Chase, said he was confused, “He acted like we don’t pay them any attention. Seriously? ‘Will the Fed raise rates a quarter point or won’t they?’ It’s all anyone on the street has been talking about for the past two months.”