Lesser-Known Terms of U.S./China Trade Negotiations

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washington, D.C.

While the big-name items such as reduced & eliminated tariffs and the re-opening of agricultural markets grab headlines around trade talks, here are a few of the lesser-known items on the negotiating table:

Additional U.S. requests to China:

  • Provide restitution for all pirated Criterion Collection Laser Discs.

  • Stop hording Panda bears.

  • M&M’s sold in China will be blue or red (See Van Halen clause).

  • China must import ten million Mandarin oranges annually.

  • Must produce at least one movie per year worth pirating.

  • Every man, woman, and child in China must buy 3 pounds of U.S. guavas per day (Always have a negotiating point you’re willing to concede).

Additional requests from China to U.S.:

  • Release the secret recipe to General Tso’s chicken.

  • Make better Harry Potter prequels, the last one wasn’t worth stealing.

  • 1 million MAGA hats to be made in China.

  • All future U.S. military fighter jet crashes to take place over mainland China.

  • Elon Musk’s brain must spend at least three months per year in Beijing.

  • We agree to all terms put forth by the United States (Might as well, we’re never actually going to sign an agreement anyway).