Nation’s Healthcare Providers Form Cartel, Prognosis: Bend Over

New york, NY

Amid a busy earnings week, five of the country’s largest health care providers have reported quarterly profits, and in a somewhat startling move, have done so as a cartel.

Robert Shivver, recently appointed spokesman for the UHC (United Healthcare Cartel), informed the public of the UHC’s formation at a press conference yesterday. “Following the excellent model set forth by such organizations as OPEC, we in the health care industry decided it was time to make this move. With the average monthly premium set to rise 16% in 2019, on top of an 18% rise this past year, we felt it was kind of silly to pretend we weren’t acting as a group to manipulate rates. And what’re you going to do about it? Not go to the doctor when you’re sick, good luck with that.”

Stacy Adams, president of consumer advocacy group WeCare, pointed out that from 2014 to 2017 the average cost to treat an individual rose 20.4%, while the average monthly premium for family health insurance increased 45%.

Shivver responded, “Oh you noticed that did you? That we jacked rates 25% more than was necessary…yep, it’s true. We already do whatever we damn well please with the rates, now we’re stopping the charade and putting it out in the open…better for everyone really.”

Shivver then went on to give Q2 numbers for the UHC, noting that both EPS and sales beat anaylst’s expectations. “And here’s a fun number, one we don’t usually announce, our average revenue per employee in the Health Care Industry: $1,295,387. Yep, almost 1.3 million dollars revenue per employee — ha! Just for comparison, the aerospace industry only averages $469k per employee — all those fat defense contracts, and we’re almost tripling them! Think about that the next time you’re at the proctologist.”

He concluded the press conference saying, “Basically, you can all go pound sand, but just remember who you’ll be calling when you hurt yourself doing it.”