Junior Exec Struggles to Learn Corporate Speak

New york, Ny

Chris Wiggam, a rising junior executive at Spantech Industries, is slowly learning the ropes when it comes to correct phrasing for various events within the corporate realm. His boss, Mike Rowley, Senior VP in charge of Finance, isn’t concerned however, “Chris is a great kid with a good head on his shoulders, once he gets a feel for the process, he’ll be up to speed in no time.”

Wiggam wasn’t so sure. He sat with co-workers Lisa Sumter and Jerry Cross during a break from a training session entitled, “Corporate Speak for Future Executives”. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get the hang of this,” he said.

“Oh my god, what were you thinking with your answer to the GE question?” Sumter asked, referring to an exercise from the morning session.

Chris replied, “I’m not sure, I think I said ‘GE announced they’re firing 3,000 employees worldwide next year because they’re losing money in their components division?’” Sumter and Cross both cringed at his answer.

Cross said, “Dude. You can’t say shit like that, it’s gotta be something like, “For 2019 General Electric has announced a downsizing of approximately 10% of their workforce in the components division. This round of budget tightening will allow the company to achieve production efficiencies while they sharpen their focus on returning to profitability.”

Sumter nodded agreement, while Wiggam was slack-jawed, “How do you do that?” Cross just shrugged. Wiggam continued, “If I told my friends back home that fifty people were being downsized due to production efficiencies, they’d punch me in the face. At best I could say laid off.”

His boss Rowley observed, “The thing with Chris is that he grew up in Detroit and graduated from the U of M. He’s an authentic guy who was born and raised among people who work for a living — that’s his cross to bear. If you look at most of our Ivy grads, no such problem. They innately understand all of this, it’s part of their DNA.”

Back in the seminar, instructor Anne Phillips asked Wiggam to translate hypothetical third quarter numbers of Ford Motors. Wiggam considered for a few moments then ventured, “Let’s see, earnings per share were down 17 cents, while sales came in at $342.7 million.” Phillips nodded and said, “And please add a couple sentences of explanation.” Wiggam replied, “We lost 17 cents per share in the third quarter, and sales were down 8% from the previous year.” The instructor tried not to wince.

“Not bad,” she said, “Anyone else want to try?” Sumter spoke up, “Our EPS were down 17 cents — just missing analyst’s target of 13, and while we experienced negative growth of 8% year over year, we attribute the bulk of that to headwinds due to trade concerns and a one time writedown related to cap ex at our European facilities.” Phillips nodded her approval, “Excellent.”

After the class, Wiggam was clearly dejected. Instructor Phillips offered him words of encouragement, “Don’t worry, you’re a great kid with a good head on your shoulders, once you get a feel for the process, you’ll be up to speed in no time.”