Trump Takes Credit for Market Performance, & Other Accomplishments

November 12, 2018

Uranus

Donald Trump, a resident of the planet Earth, and currently the President of the United States, decided to go ahead and take full credit for the performance of the stock market in the two years since his election.

In a series of tweets, Trump wrote, “Of course I’m responsible for the market’s run, why do you think they call it the Trump rally? Best 2 years of the stock market ever! The Dems are going to ruin it. Also, many of you may not know, but I invented the stock market, really it’s true, little known fact.”

When a reporter pointed out that the last two years were actually not the best in the history of the stock market, Trump countered with another tweet.

“Also came up with the concept of the universe. A lot of people don’t know that. Had a terrific idea a while back, one of my best ever…all matter as we know it. I don’t like to brag about it, but it’s true. Very true. But again, the Dems are going to ruin the market.”

When asked, “Why, if you have the power to create all matter, don’t you just stop the Democrats from ruining the market?”

Trump replied, “It’s strange but I seem to no longer have that ability. Very odd, very strange. I’m not sure why. Kinda not terrific.”

Perhaps it’s because orange is the new shit brown.